Going into the Deep – trusting God, when life keeps giving me lemons.

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I experimented for the first time the other evening at Made for More Camp on taking photos with long exposures during our candlelit Adoration in the Pavillion. I have never really taken many photos at night before, so I was a little leery about “stepping out” into the unknown to see what I could do. I was having to think back to Professor Foley’s class and remember some of the techniques he taught us. Aren’t these shots fantastic?!? I was very pleased with how they all turned out.

“Duc in Altum.”  “Go into the deep!” we hear Christ Jesus say in Luke 5:4 as he instructs the fishermen to cast their nets deep into the other side so that they might haul in a catch. St. Peter, dumbfounded (as I would be too.) at the amount of fish they were hauling in exclaims: “Depart from me Lord, for I am a sinful man.” But Christ, lovingly responded to him: “Do not be afraid. From now on, you will be Fishers of Men.” (Luke5:10)

How often am I like Simon Barjonah? How often do I doubt that the Lord can work wonderful, and miraculous things through my life? Often, too caught up inside myself to continue on, I exclaim like Peter: “Depart from me Lord, for I am a sinful man.” Yet, Christ always extends his hand and says softly: “Rise up, my beloved son! For I have called you by name and you are mine!”

At our Made for More Camp this past week, I always am and was again greatly inspired by the young men who were present. They, like Peter followed the invitation of our Lord to cast their nets into the deep. During the camp they were challenged and had the opportunity to grow in prayer, brotherhood, laughter, and receive practical information on how to better discern where the Lord was calling them.

On Wednesday, my car broke down when I was coming back into Bowling Green from a trip to Nashville with some other seminarians. Something to do with the passenger rear brake… I think. It’s just what I needed. Something to go wrong with my car. GREAT. I was not happy. I was not humble. I was afraid, mad, and said quite a few words I shouldn’t. Then I prayed. I said a Hail Mary, I asked our Lord to let me make it back to St. Joseph, where I knew I could at least figure things out.

Lo and behold, I became more calm. And I was able to make it back to the parish safely. Brother Victor helped me look at my car the next morning and drove behind me as I went excruciatingly slow, hearing the grinding and banging and bumping of my tire. I prayed the whole way. I had to stop focusing on myself and my strengths and what I can do and trust in the unknown. I like Peter and the young campers had to trust in the Lord that he would get me to where I needed to be, and do so safely.

I’m a perfectionist. I’m OCD. I like to be in control of things in my life. As I have sat here at St. Joseph, with time for prayer, reading, working on projects I needed to finish for the Cathedral, and responding to emails from the week, I have had to let go of what I want and rely completely on what the Lord wants, and what he wills. IT DRIVES ME UP THE WALL. Yet, it’s good practice for me. It’s time spent well, listening, praying, trusting, and relying on Him who is always there for me; whenever my car breaks down, whenever I have a rough day, whenever I’m joyful and singing with happiness. He is always there, asking me to trust, to rely, to have faith.

The Psalm at Mass today comes from Psalm 128: “See how the Lord blesses those who fear him.” Fear him, honor him, and trust in him I have indeed done and have to continue to do, as my car is still in the shop and I have absolutely no idea what is exactly wrong with it, nor whether I will have both arms and legs after I pay for it.

But bless me he has. I have had a roof over my head, food in my stomach, friends to laugh with, and a wonderful God to praise. I have and continue to put out into the deep. I continue to grow and go into the great unknown and trust that all will happen as He will it, because He wills it, when He wills it.

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